Raptorscribe

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 02:07:36 GMT

From here on, this journal will no longer be updated.

Please look for me, in the future, at razorsaw.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:57:12 GMT

So, I watched that new Sengoku Basara show. It looks pretty good, and I'll keep watching. The animation is great, and it reminds me of Gurren Lagann a bit, as far as the rampant hot bloodedness and over the top action goes. It looks like it's done by Production I.G.

But what really grabbed me? I did some digging, and...

One of the main characters, Sanada Yukimura, is a hot headed young punk who wields flame powers. He's voiced by Soichirou Hoshi.

The other main character, Date Masamune, is similar, but has a blue crescent moon theme and wields six swords like claws. He's voiced by Kazuya Nakai. Both are (loosely) based on historical figures, but looking at all of that together...

They have the voices of Daimon Masaru and Gaomon from Digimon Savers.

There is no fucking way this is a coincidence. XD

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 01:39:01 GMT

Same as Yoshino; posting a history for Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender, for use in RP.

Aang is the latest incarnation of the Avatar, a being that has been reincarnated constantly throughout the centuries that has the ability to "bend", or manipulate four cardinal elements: water, air, fire, and wind. As part of the cycle, the Avatar is born into one of four nations - either the Water Tribe, the Earth Kingdom, the Fire Nation, or the Air Nomads. Aang was born into the Air Nomads after the death of the previous Avatar, Avatar Roku. However, when he found out the monks who were raising him were planning on sending him away from his father figure, Monk Gyatso, and was caught in a storm with his flying bison, Appa. When the two of them nearly drowned, Aang's Avatar State sealed him them both in ice, where they remained in suspended animation for many years. While Aang slept in the iceberg, the Fire Nation began a war against the rest of the world, and the Air Nomads were all exterminated, making Aang the last of their people.

Aang was later freed from the iceberg by two members of the water tribe, Katara and her brother, Sokka. Aang was then discovered by the disgraced prince Zuko, who was searching for the latest incarnation of the avatar in order to restore his honor. Deciding to leave the Southern Water Tribe, Aang and his new friends began venturing across the world to find a waterbending instructor, while being hounded by Zuko all along the way. Eventually, they discovered that the Fire Lord, Zuko's father, intended to use the power of a supernatural comet to enhance his Firebending and finish what his grandfather began. After defeating the Fire Nation General Zhao and learning all he could from a Norther Water Tribe bender named Pakku, Aang next set out across the Earth Kingdom.

At this time, they were targeted by Zuko's sister, Azula, who also began chasing Zuko. This eventually led them to Ba Sing Sei, which all three groups individually entered and/or infiltrated. Inside, Azula managed to forge an aliance in Long Feng, the leader of the city's secret police, and overthrew the Earth King. Aang was also fatally wounded, and would have died if not for Katara healing him with water from a sacred spring. For the remaining time, Aang and his group attempted to enter the fire nation and use a solar eclipse (which would have removed the Firebenders' ability to bend) as a chance to defeat them... only for their plan to be defeated by Azula, who had learned it in Ba Sing Sei. After this, they joined up with Zuko, making peace with him and Aang learning how to firebend from him. However, the day of the final battle soon came upon them... and Aang, unsure of his ability to kill the Fire Lord should he have to, learned of an ability to cancel out people's ability to bend from the legendary Lionturtle. He faced Ozai alone, and removed his abilities, as his other friends successfully joined efforts to end the war.

After peace was declared, Zuko and Aang were united as friends. And Aang, who had fallen in love with Katara, finally had a chance to enter in a relationship with her.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:51:24 GMT

So, according to Akira Toriyama?

Mr. Satan/Hercule's real name is Mark.

Yep.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 01:43:50 GMT

I'm posting Yoshino's canon history here, for use on various applications.

History: Yoshino was born as one of the youngest of three sisters. As a child, she was motivated to excel by her parents - they were by no means abusive, but their desire to see their daughter succeed wore heavily upon Yoshino, and created a lingering sense of self doubt that stayed with her all of her life.

As a young girl, Yoshino went to school with a young boy named Hitoshi Hanamura. Hitoshi was picked on for being overweight, and Yoshino was one of the few other students that was kind to him. This would have an impact on an event later in her life.

One night, during a piano recital, Yoshino was overcome by her anxieties, and was unable to play, effectively embarrassing herself in front of a large group of people. After the recital, she stayed alone backstage, where she was moved to tears. Then, however, a mysterious voice called out to her, leading her back to the piano she'd been unable to play before. Yoshino was able to play it as the voice sang along with her. Then, an egg appeared from a ray of light that had been shining down on her, seemingly connected to the voice that had contacted her.

The egg was a Digi-Egg - one that hatched into a digimon called Budmon. Though the circumstances for Budmon's appearance were very mysterious, she and Yoshino became fast friends. When Budmon evolved into Lalamon, the song that hey had performed together became the basis for Lalamon's own "Sing a Song" attack.

With her partner, Yoshino drew the attention of an organization that was dedicated to investigating phenomena related to Digimon and the Digital World. This organization was called DATS (Digital Accident Tactics Squad). Yoshino was confirmed to have a Digi-Soul, which in her world, was able to trigger a digimon's evolution. Lalamon and Yoshino had formed something more than an emotional connection - or perhaps, this second connection was due to that emotional bond.

When Lalamon was proven to not be a danger to humans, she was allowed to stay with Yoshino. This widened the gulf between her and her family, who were taken aback by the digimon. When Yoshino turned sixteen, she became a member of DATS herself, and lived there until she became a legal adult and moved into her own apartment. Though she was a competent agent, her sense of doubt kept her from excelling, and she did not begin to reach her full potential until some time later.

As a member of DATS, she formed a friendship with her commanding officer, Rentarou Satsuma, whom she came to see as a father figure.

After two years as a member of DATS, Yoshino remained in her position as a field agent. The greatest adventure of her life would not begin, however, until the day when she and Lalamon investigated a digimon that had been code-named "Raptor-1." The so-called Raptor-1 had escaped from DATS, and when she and Lalamon found him, she found that Raptor-1, or Agumon as he was properly called, had engaged a human in battle.

This human was named Masaru Daimon, and prior to facing Raptor-1, he had engaged a number of rival students in combat. Masaru and Raptor-1 battled each other to a draw while Yoshino looked on, and once it was finished, she and her partner attempted to arrest them. They escaped, and Yoshino was forced to approach Masaru on her own. She told him about DATS, and asked him to turn over Agumon. When this didn't work, she lied to him about Digimon needing a special food made only at DATS to avoid starvation. Masaru agreed to go with her, and learned more from Captain Satsuma. However, this meeting was interrupted by Agumon's supposed attack of a hamburger restaurant. Yoshino and Masaru went to investigate, and discovered the real perpetrator was a digimon called Cockatorimon. Yoshino was kept from participating in the battle, and was forced to watch as Masaru evolved his new partner to GeoGreymon for the first time.

Almost immediately after these events, Yoshino was ordered to live with Masaru and his family until she managed to convince him and Agumon to join DATS. At this time, Yoshino developed a friendly relationship with Masaru's mother, Sayuri, and his sister, Chika. Later, Masaru and Yoshino investigated a Digimon-related event at Chika's school. A digimon called Kunemon had fed into the desires of a young student and devoured the school pets that he had been charged with taking care of, and attacked Yoshino and Masaru when this was discovered. Yoshino attempted to stop the digimon by evolving her partner to Sunflowmon, but in the end, it once again came down to Masaru and Agumon to win the day.

After this, Masaru decided to join DATS, and Yoshino served alongside him and their other teammate, Touma H. Norstein, who returned to DATS Japan from Europe some time later.
Some time later, Yoshino's childhood friend, Hitoshi Hanamura (now known by the stage name of Neon), became suspected of harboring a Digimon. Because of their past relationship, Yoshino went undercover, and struck up a relationship with him. This drew a good deal of unwanted publicity towards her, and what's more, her feelings towards Neon began to interfere with the case. In the end, Neon and his digimon were exposed, and Yoshino was forced to perform the difficult task of erasing his memory.

Time went on, and Yoshino became increasingly doubtful of her performance, especially in comparison to Touma and Masaru, who were quickly advancing in terms of strength. Eventually, Yoshino, Lalamon, and their team-mates were give a mission to go to their universe's Digital World and stop a digimon called Mercurimon, who they mistakenly believed to be eroding the barrier between the two worlds. There, they encountered a young boy named Ikuto Noguchi, who had been stranded there for much of his life and was hostile towards human beings.
The group escaped Ikuto, and began traveling towards Mercurimon's location. Along the way, they would stumble into various traps, including one waiting for them in a ravine controlled by a digimon called MetalPhantomon. After MetalPhantomon's servants captured them, the Cyborg Digimon attempted to absorb their hearts and trapped all three humans in their nightmares. Yoshino was forced to relive one of her more traumatizing childhood memories. After the group escaped, Yoshino quickly fell ill, having apparently contracted a virus native to the Digital World. Yoshino would later transfer the virus to Ikuto in a second encounter, which forced Ikuto's partner Falcomon to help Masaru and Touma find the cure for it.

After Yoshino recovered, her feelings of doubt had become almost overwhelming. Ikuto and Falcomon attacked them again… but their battle was interrupted by the traitorous Gotsumon, who one of Mercurimon's minions, and his Mammon subordinate. Yoshino, Touma, Lalamon, and Gaomon were separated from Masaru, and Touma became injured. Yoshino's anxieties overwhelmed her, which made her unable to act when Lalamon was forced to defend them Mammon. However, Lalamon used her "Sing a Song" attack, which rekindled Yoshino's memories of their first meeting. Realizing what Lalamon meant to her, Yoshino snapped out it, and upon realizing her inner strength, summoned the next stage of her Digi-Soul. She evolved Lalamon to her Perfect stage, Lilamon, and together, they stopped Mammon.

Their mission went on, and eventually, they discovered that Mercurimon was innocent, and that the real villain was a man named Akihiro Kurata. They also gained Ikuto's trust at one point, and after Mercurimon was tragically killed by Kurata's creations, they all became a single team. In their attempts to stop Kurata, they were labeled as traitors by the Japanese government thanks to the man's machinations. They later escaped to the Digital World, where they became the targets of Kurata's minions: Kouki, Ivan, and Nanami. It was in a battle with these three that Yoshino and her comrades first triggered their "Ultimate" Digi-Souls, which allowed their partners to evolve to the Ultimate level for the first time (in Lalamon's case, a digimon called Rosemon). After this, the group became the defenders of their Digital World's "Holy Capital", which rested on the back of a digimon called ElDoradimon. This became the site of a great battle between them and Kurata's forces, and Yoshino personally battled Ivan, who had become enamored with her. Together, Yoshino and Lalamon defeated Ivan's powered up form, BioSpinomon.

This was not enough to save ElDoradimon, however, and Kurata used the digimon's life force to awaken a digimon called Belphemon. Belphemon was eventually defeated, though, through the power of Masaru and Agumon's final form, ShineGreymon Burst Mode. This came with a price, though, and ended up creating a huge rift between the Human and Digital Worlds. This earned the human world the malice of the "god" of the Digital World, Yggdrasil, who had come to inhabit the body of Masaru's father, Suguru Daimon. Yggdrasil ordered his servants, the Royal Knights, to destroy the human world, and the DATS team was forced to fend them off. It was through a battle with Duftmon that Yoshino was able to trigger Lalamon's own Burst Mode.

Eventually, Yggdrasil was separated from Suguru, and it ultimately met defeat at Masaru's hand. The barrier between worlds was repaired, and DATS made the decision to close off access to the Digital World. Yoshino and Lalamon went their separate ways, as the latter wanted to share everything she had learned alongside humans with the rest of her kind. Ultimately, Masaru went with Lalamon and the other Digimon, as he wanted to continue fighting alongside Agumon.

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 15:57:56 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAujq_F_AD0&feature=channel_page

EVEN MORE GIANT F@#%ING ROBOTS ARE COMING.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 16:42:10 GMT

So, apparently, every decision made for the TF movies and afterwards were made by Micheal Bay.

The ones made before he became the director? Micheal Bay.

Which characters are in the movie and its sequel? Micheal Bay.

Every character's alternate mode? Micheal Bay.

Who does and doesn't get a toy? Micheal Bay.

There being interpretations of characters that aren't in line with G1? Micheal Bay.

Shia stubbed his toe getting out of bed? Micheal Bay.

Also, Chevy, all vehicle companies, the writers, the producers, Hasbro, Paramount, and each one's legal department don't exist.

They are all illusions conjured by MICHEAL BAY.

And then they all exploded.

Awesome.

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:15:03 GMT

The July 19th post was deleted because it represents something I want to leave behind.

Yeah, just so everyone knows where it went if they were wondering about it.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:53:35 GMT

Okay, because my main journal is looking kind of emo, here's a meme.

1. Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/TV shows/video games/etc. that you've had an obsessive fannish love of at some time in your life.
2. Have your f-list guess your favorite character from each item.

Yoinked from the awesome tacos_of_doom, who yoinked it from atelierjoh

1. Digimon Adventure/02
2. Digimon Tamers
3. Digimon Frontier
4. Digimon Savers - Daimon Masaru (tacos_of_doom)
5. Transformers Robots in Disguise
6. Transformers Animated
7. Mega Man (games)
8. Mega Man X
9. Mega Man ZX
10. Mega Man Battle Network
11. Mega Man Star Force
12. Spectacular Spider-man (TV series)
13. Jurassic Park (movie series)
14. Batman the Animated Series/Superman TAS/Justice League
15. Teen Titans
16. Legion of Super Heroes
17. Beast Wars/Beast Machines
18. Animorphs
19. Naruto
20. Sonic the Hedgehog (all media)

Fri, 02 May 2008 14:34:33 GMT

Everything is frikkin' done with college.

That final paper that was giving me so much trouple? Pwn't. Macbeth and Richard, you are my bitches. And doing that lingering revision? Also finished.

...

It doesn't feel like I'm done though. And there are some things to do yet. I need to track down a copy of a nonfiction story I wrote and throw together a portfolio for my English major.

And then there's graduation itself. Man. It doesn't feel like everything is over with. It feels like I'm still here, trapped in time. I'm still a college student, and I don't know if graduation will change that. I'm not sure I want to leave...

...

But then, change happens whether we like it or not.

If years from now, I look back on the days that defined me... I'd think these five years at Westminster would be it. In high school, I was so broken by everything around me, I lost a sense of self worth. I lied to myself and others... I even pretended to be something I'm not on-line.

But somehow I made it. I have all my friends on-line, and I know I've found something more meaningful there than the people I used to fool.

I wish you could all be there with me tomorrow...

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:47:59 GMT

So I went from all caught up to being three weeks behind just by accidentally deleting the wrong folder. On top of that I have a take home test due tomorrow, a paper due Friday, and another paper due Thursday. And I'm constantly afraid I'll get caught up in something between a group of my friends, and I don't want to be a part of it.

And on top of that I have a four hour assessment tomorrow, a group presentation coming up, and I'm worried something is physically wrong with me.

I'm still paranoid every waking moment of the day and I'm worried someone will think I'm using this to soak up sympathy. But dammit, I have to vent.

I can't take a break from RP or fandom either because it's the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Just... god. I'm scared and angry and confused and I just want everything to go back to normal. ._.

(Cross posted to my even less used than this insanejournal.)

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:54:12 GMT

A new challenger appears.

HELL YES.

Because I have to make like a good maintainer and promote...

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:19:59 GMT

We would like to invite you all to tf_animated, the first fan community for the upcoming Transformers series, Transformers Animated. At this time, we allow the posting of news, fan art, icons, and discussion threads about the new show.

If you would like to join us, you do so here! To any of you other Transformers fans out there, we'd love to have you!

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 14:46:23 GMT

New layout. New default icon.

Yays.

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 02:24:45 GMT

It's time for more "Raz isn't there, but here's the scoop on Bot-Con anyway!" news:

Transformers Animated - The Hasbro panel repeated a lot of what we already know, clarified some stuff on characters. Everything looks REALLY cool:

Ok, so they confirmed that "future Detroit" stuff. The human character Sari is some sort of heiress who befriends the Autobots. Reminds me of Chris from Sonic X, really. There's also her dad, and a police chief named Cpt. Fanzone - who has the weirdest name ever. O_o

Optimus is apparently the same guy we've known for a while. He has a retractable faceplate and part of his trailer becomes an axe. Keen.

Bumblebee... is the same, really. He apparently has rockets. Prowl is "resident ninja", which is neat.

Bulkhead is the big tough guy, apparently, and has a wrecking ball for an arm. That is AWESOME. He IS the Transforming version of Gutsman.

Ratchet is the old war vet - a curmudgeon, seemingly. No problem there.

The core Decepticons seem like Megatorn, Blackarachnia, Lugnut, Blitzwing, and Starscream. Megatron is described like a return to his G1 stylings, aesthetically, with a Cybertronian mode that's a blend of G1 and his movie design, and an Earth mode that apparently "looks like Super Megatron."

Starscream seems as though he's the same old Starscream, and Lugnutz is a big jet that's seemingly the answer to Bulkhead - dumb, unquestionably loyal. My god, he's Demolishor with WINGS.

Blitzwing is a triple changer with a face changing gimmick, which means he's either got multiple expressions or his character is skitzo. He's a Triple changer again. They're also changing Blackarachnia's origin, which they'd pretty much have to do anyway, but still going to make her sympathetic.

No toy of the Weird Al character. D:

Anyway, there's gonna be a Grimlock, and two other Dinobots. There's also a bounty hunter named Lockdown, who... I dunnow if he's a human or a Transformer. And there's a human villain called "the Angry Archer."

Transformers Classics/Universe 2.0

Two long dead sublines live! TFU is basically Classics 2.0, a sub-line that'll take over after the movie. It'll include a new version of Octane and Sunstreaker, with a remold as Sideswipe. They'll be looking into other characters, like Prowl and Ironhide, that are "easily redecoed as other characters." Awesome.

Transformers the Movie toy-line
Not much to say here, except that they'll continue it well into Summer of next year. The line will be rebranded as "Power of the Allspark" or something, and include new toys like Incinerator (an osprey helicopter), Landmine (a Sector 7 dunebuggy), Stockade, an Escalade whose a Decepticon, and repaints of Leader Brawl and Optimus. Sexy.

This has been Raz's "not at Bot-Con but I talk about it anyway!"

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 22:20:51 GMT

So, I'm gonna try up-dating this more often.

We're nearing the Transformers premiere, and I'm excited. There's a clip going around of Megatron speaking, which is f***ing awesome.

I need to see it.

Botcon weekend is winding down, and here's what's excited me the most from the news we've gotten:
* - Movieverse Evac: The Unicron Trilogy lives on in spirit! He's a Blackout remold as a rescue chopper. You can see him here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v91/TFRazorsaw/evac.jpg
* - Toxitron: This is a toy none of us will ever own. But damn if it doesn't look neat. He's a hideous-looking repaint of RiD Scourge as a toxic waste truck. I imagine if he would have been released, he would have been the Decepticon version of a Captain Planet villain. Picture is here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v91/TFRazorsaw/toxitron.jpg
* - Transformers Animated: David Kaye revealed a jiveton of new characters for this show. They include: Grimlock, Blurr, Ultra Magnus, Shockwave, Arcee, Blackarachnia, Waspinator, and Jazz.

Awesome. Beast-bots. I hope Steve Blum gets to pick up Waspinator. McNeil can't play him, so Blum'd be perfect.
* - More Movie Toys: There's a lens-headed SWAT Truck Decepticon named Payload. I'm certain he must be the illegitimate son of Shockwave and Prowl or somethin'. There's also a Real Gear Watch Decepticon named Meantime. That's hilarious.

This has been Razor's "I'm not at Botcon, but I can report about it anyway" report.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 21:19:53 GMT

I'm back, babeh.

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 23:50:04 GMT

Oh happy day.

It looks like my troubles will soon be over, everyone. My dad surprised me today by taking me to Best Buy, and with my aunts' help, we managed to get me a new laptop. Everything'll be up and ready tomorrow.

So I should be back by tomorrow. \o/

I hope everyone's doing alright. I'm anxious to get back in the speed of things, and even more anxious to talk to everyone again.

<3's everyone. And <3's to my dad, mom, aunts Delphine and Marie, and to all my friends. It was only four (three and a half?), mind, so nothing too bad came out of it, other than losing all my files.

Seeya all soon!

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 09:40:17 GMT

We are now in day three (or is it day two and a half? Four? Damnit, I need to learn how to count properly) of computer exile.

There's been a surprise. I may be getting a new computer sooner than I thought, as my great aunts have offered their help in paying for it. I'm somewhat surprised and grateful, but I wish I could be capable of taking care of the problem on my own at the same time...

Sis has given me more than a few chances to use her computer, but... tonight has been the longest she's given me, and I haven't been able to get AIM Express to work on this thing. Meh, so... not sure I can count myself as being able to talk to people yet.

But hey, this way I won't be fully out of the loop when I get back.

Neh, I miss everybody. D: I hope to talk to you guys soon.

Uh oh

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 04:40:27 GMT

I've had some computer trouble and now I'm without use of one for the near future. I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I've only got either the library in another city or my sister's laptop for net axess... and neither are very reliable.

I'm going to get a new machine, but... I don't know how long I'll be gone. We're shooting for next week Friday.

Hope to see you guys soon. D:

Ten fandoms meme

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 04:41:13 GMT

Decided to do this after my friends did. Ha ha, I'm a copycat.

~~1. In this series, the Jesus analogue is a winged hamster.~~
2. Justice is multicolored.
~~3. "We got a real big Convoy, movin' out tonight."~~
~~4. Our hero has two evil twins; one is depressed and angry, and one has an inferiority complex.~~
~~5. Where the sidekicks are the stars.~~
6. Big name heroes, big name villains, and a returning character who is dark and brooding.
~~7. Earth! Wind! Water! Fire! By your powers combined, I am...?~~
~~8. Red and blue buggy man.~~
~~9. Spun out of another series, this series was hurled onto the comic stands and quickly cancelled.~~
~~10. Our leader's mask has wings on the ears.~~

EDIT - With his final guess, my dear friend infinityblade is our "winner."

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 07:32:46 GMT

... This is a bit of personal reflection I wrote recently, and... well, I think it's important I put it up here.

I'm starting to wonder if all I'm ever doing on-line is worrying about what other people think of me.

Confidence. You hear about it all the time. I’m starting to realize how important it is that you show self-confidence to people, and that relationships on-line – especially in regards to OOC and IC matters – aren’t any different. That you don’t come across as someone weak-willed, or spineless, or someone whose just trying to use people to help him feel better about himself.

I’ve made my share of mistakes while on-line. Before I discovered Livejournal, I had a circle of friends that I fell out of, due to personal failings and actions I’m still feeling guilty over. It left me feeling hollow for a while afterwards, and my mind still fixates on it. It happened a second time, but it was before I could truly form any real attachment to anyone, and I felt like I failed again.

And even outside of the internet, I’ve had trouble connecting with people. Growing up, I always seemed to separate myself from the other people my age. I got along with some when I was younger, but I never seemed to grow up as time went on. I was stuck in my own little world, my own interests, and I never tried to let anyone in or go out and see what was going on in anyone else’s. I didn’t participate in school activities. In fact, high school was around the time I fell into using the computer, something I’ve been stuck on ever since.

People say that people use the internet as an escape from reality. I don’t know if that’s true – sometimes I wonder if I’ve used it to replace my reality. Maybe that’s why I cling to it, obsessively. I’ve gotten used to it as my world, the world I want to stay attached to. I’ve failed at it twice, in my own mind at least, and I desperately don’t want to fail again.

It’s just… role-play, AIM, things like that, it’s just so much easier. Or it feels like it’s easier. Interaction is just a mouse-click away, and I get to feel like I make the rules. And really, role-playing is like wearing a mask, in someway – not in that you’re hiding who and what you are, but like wearing a mask on Halloween. It’s playing pretend. When I was a kid, I liked to play pretend, you know? That was one of the things all of the other kids seemed to grow out of.

But sometimes, sometimes you get carried away. You get clingy. My attachment to the computer starts to extend to the things I’m DOING on the computer. And then, sometimes one gets carried away. They go too far, step across personal boundaries. In other words, one gets too friendly, tries too hard to get someone to like them. I don’t mean anything indecent, just… have you ever met someone who tries too hard to be someone’s friend? It’s sort of like that.

And then you start to get paranoid. You start wondering if you’re upsetting everyone. This is when you start feeling afraid, meek. Like you’re upsetting everyone. Jumping at shadows, as though every mention of your name has some sort of connotation behind it. This is when the friend starts to become cognizant of the fact that he’s annoying – no, that he TELLS himself he’s annoying, no matter how little REAL justification there is for that assumption.

I… I sometimes wonder if I’m not subconsciously reaching out to people on-line for that sense of self-validation. But that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to be the drama queen, I don’t want to be the kind of person whose only concerned with himself. I want to have real friends, people I can tell myself I trust, because they trust me. But if I keep worrying, can I ever do that final step?

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with something called Asperger’s Syndrome. It terrified me to know that, to think I was a label. But like real responsibility, I jumped away from it. It’s been more than five years now, and I’m in college, and I still don’t know a lot about it. I’ve been hiding from it, like… like it’s some terrible monster. And yet, sometimes I feel like I’m using it as a mental shield to explain why I do what I do. That it’s not my fault. And hell, I’ve embarrassed myself by not even SPELLING it right to the people I’ve mentioned it to on-line. And as I write this, I wonder if I’m not using it as a shield again, to convince any potential readers that this isn’t just an exercise in self pity. That they should say “I feel sorry for the kid, it’s not his fault, it’s just Asperger’s.”

I sit here, wondering just what I want out of being on-line, out of role-playing. I don’t want to be someone who everyone thinks is manipulating them. I don’t want to be someone whose constantly tripping and falling. I… I know what I tell myself I want. I want to have real friends, I want to have connections to people. I want to feel like I’m a worthwhile introduction to people’s lives. I want to feel like I’m not someone who wonders if he’s worthless. I want to stop jumping at shadows. I want to be someone who isn’t annoying. I want to be someone who has the strength to TRY for the things he wants.

Like I said, I tell myself those are the things I want. But are they what I want? Or do I just want an illusion, a comfort zone?

I don’t blame the world for my problems. I wonder if I should blame myself. I don’t know who to blame. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone to blame at all.

By writing this, and potentially showing it to everyone, I’m probably shunting my problems onto everyone else. Like I do when I’m hungry, when I’m feeling ill, or I have a problem I need advice on. “Only you can help yourself,” someone once told me. Or maybe I read it myself. But I never know if I myself have the answers. If I’m the source of my problems, how can I find the solution?

So, is this an appeal for answers? Or is this another hollow attempt to placate everyone around me, by acting as if I’m trying for some imaginary epiphany? If and when I ever post this, or finish this, am I going to show this to everyone I know and hope it makes them like me? Or will I bury it, and never accomplish anything.

I don’t know the difference between courage and cowardice. I don’t know what I’m trying to do by writing this. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know if I can find the answers. Where the hell are the god-damned answers?!

That’s all I can think to say.

That's all, I guess...

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 17:07:10 GMT

That has got to be the most ironic sword clash in history.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 11:35:05 GMT

Fanfic posting! Whee!

Title: Digimon Evolution
Fandom: Digimon
Rating: PG-13/T
Warnings: Fantasy violence
Summary: [AU] In a world where humans and digimon coexist, three young humans named Rann, Saya, and Dax, along with their partners, find themselves drawn into a battle between the forces of light and darkness.
Chapter Summaries:
[Prologue - "At The Twilight and The Dawn"] At the dawn of a new era, where the real and digital worlds exist side by side, the forces of light and darkness clash.
-
[Chapter 1 - "The Crossroads of The Ruined Town"] Centuries after a great battle, two travellers meet in a fateful encounter... Meanwhile, three lost souls convene.
Links: Fanfiction.net Link - Mediaminer.org Link

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 22:41:29 GMT

Digimon Season 5 has been confirmed.

FEAR US, INTERNET, FOR OUR FANDOM HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE!